Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I have been thinking a lot lately about my life... and about the last phases of my life. I have felt very lost and numb and alone. I didn't know that was how I was feeling... I was just feeling it.
As things have come to a close the last few weeks... I have had many "cleaning out of the closets" of skeletons that have haunted me. Poor Jess has dealt with a lot. And he has chased his own demons per se as well. We both have really felt distant and far away from reality. We have avoided friends and family as we tried to make sense of it all. And we have been down, grumpy and tried to always put on a happy face when we were strong enough to do it.
And looking back I realize it is depression.
Now... what in the world would we have to be depressed about? What would I have to be depressed about? Huh. Well most of the online info on heart patients I have read states that depression follows surgery and such. Maybe? And that the family and caregivers struggle too. Or maybe it has been the decline of income to the point of almost loosing our home? Maybe? Or maybe it has been the mess that has occurred with our taxes to make us in debt to the IRS - which that alone is frightening! And let's not even go into the chaos of the American Democracy and government! I wonder... could those have something to do with it?
But mostly I wonder if it isn't Satan standing beside us whispering in our ears that it is too hard, we are too weak, we can't do it anymore... etc etc etc.
I tend to believe it is all of the above. And yet... I found some hope. I found a path back. I found "ME" again! Or at least I hope I have...
I have been reading my journals from the last few years in our old house. WOW! I was so strong then! I had such faith. I had such hope. I poured out my heart and soul and found solace in my journal back then.
I am so humbled to have found my journal; to have searched for the info for my post about our 3rd anniversary in the house - it has blessed my heart, my soul and given me some serious direction... I need my journal!
I think we are commanded to write in our journals for our own welfare! I feel such strength from looking at where we have been to wonder why I am allowing myself to wallow in this now?
I have not written in my journal for over 4 months... and the time before that it was 5+ months. I have thought that my blog was enough.
I know now it is not.
It is fun! I love to blog and share and see my "scrapbook", if you will, come to view, but I don't share it all with the blogging world. I have not published some the darker posts I have written, for fear of what someone might think of me and my attitude at times. How could I be so "ungrateful" for my life? I almost lost it! how could I even consider to not feel immense gratitude everyday for the chance to still be here? How wicked am I for allowing myself to even question such a gift?
*I* need the private thoughts, insights, feelings and strength from being honest with myself and "talking out" my emotions/feelings/trials/joys/etc! I need to sort it out on my own with myself. If that makes any sense... :P
I would like to write in my journal every Sunday (at least) from now on. I need the written proof that we are progressing and growing and becoming better for these paths we tread now.
I am so thankful for my knowledge to write and read and journal.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!
We really have been missing all the best friends in our family... so we pulled Cam out of school (hokey at 7! :0 I am such a naughty mom! *grin*) and the boys and I hit the road! We met one of our favorite families in Delta... about half way between our houses!
We converged on the McDonald's playland and stayed for a few hours...
We ate... we talked... we laughed....
We ate.... *grin*
Oh! And we drank....
But most of all we played! We played with our bestest friends!
These two especially needed this time together... it's hard to loose the chance to have your best friend 2 doors down at age 7 man!
Where has the time gone?? This little princess is SO big!! :(
Ahh... and of course these two really needed this time together as well!
Laughter, Smiles and Fun...
I don't think any one of them would be upset if we did it again!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
We moved into our brand new home!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My apologies for anyone who read my "spewage" post tonight. I really needed to get some uglies out and thought I would feel better blogging about them. I was wrong. It didn't feel good to leave it here.
So I need to post some GOOD. I need the good tonight... :)
* My heart has only been "naughty" to me twice this in the last month. That is HUGE.
* My calling is coming together! I love my new assistant! We have some great plans to bless some families when they are ready to receive what we have to give. Emergency Preparedness is all about giving peace to others. I am really excited about it.
* Cody was messaging with my sister telling her we have done very little "big stuff" for home school. I am thankful to know that my teaching methods are natural to receive. He has learned a TON the last few weeks with canning, finance and business management. Science, math, chemistry, home ec... what more could a boy want? LOL. Apparently tomorrow we need some worksheet work. *giggle*
* Caleb has been so naughty lately I felt at my wits end with him - until tonight. He did something good... and I got on his level... eye to eye... and thanked him and gave him a hug... he was SO GOOD the rest of the day! He was LOOKING for ways to please me. I need to be better at showing affection, acknowledgement and appreciation.
* Cameron and I did his homework tonight together. He is the spotlight tomorrow and we made a book all about him. It was a lot of fun.
* Emmalee had her first crash on the skateboard she saved her money for. I am so thankful it was only a skinned up knee. So thankful!
* Sadie (our adopted yorkie) was actually well behaved today.
* I bought the kids some of their favorite cereal today. They were all really excited.
* I got to spend a few minutes alone being just a friend with a dear friend today that never has time to herself, let alone time for friends.
* My sweetheart and I snuggled up on our bed and watched our favorite TV show together tonight. It was nice to be near his warmth and presence.
Life is good. I am blessed. I need not fear or worry or stress. FAITH NOT FEAR! Gratitude brings forth the blessing from heaven!