Wow. It is decided. All the research and prayers have concluded things for me. Jess and I went to the temple for Stake conference and we both felt like the decision that lay before us was crystal clear. And it was THE right thing to do.

Here is a quick synopsis of the story:

Cody has been struggling. I mean really struggling. He is brilliant. He finishes all his work in record time only to sit and be bored to tears while waiting for his classmates to finish. We have sought options over and over both this year and last. Last year his teacher let him check out books in the library and he read during those times - which he enjoyed to a point - and he was reading 7th-9th grade level material. (he's in 4th grade). The school is new and has no prograams yet... in fact the only enrichment activity he has had is they started a chess club for a couple of weeks (which he LOVED!)

This year his teacher was PG and had a baby - and so he has had little out of curriculum enrichment. The substitute for her 8 week maternity leave was making Cody help the other kids with their work so he "was busy" when he completed early. When his teacher came back she continued this practice. When we heard about it we thought it was an ok thing... and for most children it would be... but the last 2 months or so Cody has slipped more and more into himself. He is withdrawn and doesn't want to play with his friends after school or go to scouts. Some other kids have been teasing him relentlessly about being a nerd and he *hates* recess and school lunch time - or even walking home. His self confidence and sense of self has dramatically taken a turn for the worse.Jess and I began worrying and wondering what the change was in him and tried to figure out what was going on.

And then the catalyst came - I cut his hair.Yep. You read that right... I cut his hair.

Now that isn't a strange phenomenon in our household... I have always cut his hair. But he kept saying "please don't cut my hair" "do I have to have my hair cut?" "please don't make me". I thought maybe it was something of a "style" issue so I agreed to simply trim and not change the style... it just needed the ends cut to eliminate the fuzz that happens when boys need hair cuts. And we got about half way...He began to get whiter and whiter. He broke out in a dripping sweat. He started to shake. He begged to lay down as he felt like he was going to vomit. And he laid on the floor of the bathroom... crying... shaking... sweating, covered with hair and panicked... for about 3 full minutes.He regained composure and we talked about why he *really* didn't want his hair cut. (BTW - cutting hair with clippers when the scalp is dripping wet and the ends are dry is a freakin' mess LOL FYI) It came to light that he wanted to no more reason to have anyone notice him - and everyone would ask him about his haircut. He was tired of being "forced in everyone's face", and being "the smart one" that teaches others etc

I was heartsick for days. How do I help my sweet 9 year old - and how do we prevent these panic attacks? Counseling? drugs? nothing seemed to fit. He was out of balance in so many ways. Cody is my quality time/physical touch love language child. He needs so much more out of life than he is getting in education, mental, emotional and social. And so what the heck do we do??

Then came the email from Denice. She had a real estate question (sorry Denice - I am going to share as you are a main part in this story! LOL) I emailed a response and asked how she was. I told her I missed her and needed a "run away" in a bad way and wished we could schedule one. She called me and said "I have a few hours today..what are you doing right now for lunch?" Jess was home with no work - so I said let's go! We went to eat and just talked about everything from husbands and jobs to church callings and politics.. She was telling me about what's going on with her and how much she is enjoying her kids. (one of my deepest desires) She told me about how the have pulled her elementary kids out and are homeschooling them. And I felt like I had been hit by lighting. I sat there and cried. It was the dumbest thing ever! I could not ask her enough questions. I was shaking and honestly wanted to stand up right there at lunch and scream HALLELUJAH!! and EUREKA!!! THIS what I have been searching for. The Spirit of Confirmation was burning inside of me. And I was scared.

I had many reservations about Homeschooling in general. I know the stygmas. I have had friends that did it and failed miserably, or received no support from anyone and felt outcast & judged. I knew the old wives tales about how "backwards" home-schooled children are and how socially it will be detrimental to children. Blah Blah Blah. And so I started an intense mission. With the feelings I was experiencing there in the restaurant and the utter terror I felt inside (especially of "what if I fail him") I knew I needed as much info as I could on the matter. And Jess was behind me 100%.I checked out every book available at our library on Homeschooling. I searched website after website. I prayed. I cried. I watched Cody intently. This was no small thing... I NEEDED to be sure. Every time I prayed I was overwhelmed with peace and confirmation. And I would cry again. I shook with excitement. I could see and feel the changes this would give my little man who was whithering away. This was what he needed! And all the research proves that homeschooled kids are actually much more successful and actually can get scholarships to and attend most any college they want! They are self starters and motivated. Just like Cody usually is.

We went to the temple on Friday seeking the answer to this question: Do I home-school Cody for the rest of this year? I could barely get the words out of my mind as the feeling/words came into it "You already know the answer. The question is will you step up?"

WOW. That is what it boiled down to. Will I step up? Of course I will!! He is my son. I want him to succeed AND be happy. What is more important? My freedom and Independence... or my child's success and well being? I only have this time once... my freedom and independence can wait a few years...

He is not socially backward - he does make friends and they are best friends. But his learning style is not conducive to being in a big group and being conformed with every other child. He needs to have that one on one emotionally. He has so much to learn and offer - he needs to allowed to chase those desires ... and not just after school from 4pm-8pm each day after he has learned in the time frames allotted by someone else for each subject while trying to process bullying and social angst. He is responsible and thoughtful. I know he will flourish *more* socially when he is more self confidant and finds out who he truly is and what he truly can become. I know that he will excel and that I will be able to take little credit for it. And I KNOW he will do awesome!

I just simply have to let go of the standard SAHM ideal that I created for myself - and turn my focus on him during the day... instead of me and my desires. This will be a growing experience for me and much as it is for him.I must learn to better manage my time. I will be doing what every mom truly dreams of! I will be watching my son grow and learn and be hands on with him in it! It excites me to no end!!

And I KNOW this is the change I have been being prepared for. Each aspect of my life has been to make this possible... from finding FLYLady 7 years ago and getting my life and home in order, to my heart surgery giving me the physical strength as well as the gratitude of each minute and the value of using each one to its fullest, to my taking on the challenge and getting JWD paperwork in order and a system that it can function properly. I have the right people and resources placed before me. And I have this dear sweet son, who has shown me that not all of my children are the same and need the same thing. And that it is ok!

And so... we are pulling Cody out of school after Valentine's Day and he will be home - learning and growing with me. My other kids really flourish in school and so they will stay in school.

It was amazing and IS amazing the change in Cody since I sat him down and talked to him about it. He is on fire too. He wanted to read the Homeschooling book with me, so we curled up for over 2 hours reading and discussing options. We have decided to do the "Un-schooling Method" with some K-12 Curriculum worksheets to keep him on track - if not ahead *WINK*. The list of subjects he has started making of things that he wants to know about and learn about is growing by the minute!! The thought of studying what he wants for as long as he wants until he is satisfied thrills him. He is chattery and full of deep thoughts and questions. It's like this shell has cracked and he is off and running. He has the wings he needed and he is ready to go!

He wants to finish his County Report early (not due til the end of Feb) just so he can say he has completed it, and he wants to pay for his library book that someone stole at school before he leaves. And he'd like to be there for Valentine's Day for his cute "friend" - yes...he does have a "girlfriend" at 9 yrs old! But I have not seen him happy or excited like this in such a long time. And that makes my resolve to make this succeed all the more solid.

Shortly after Cody & I got back from our long talk and research, I received an email with 4H info in it (one of the programs he can use as a homeschooler to enrich his education) They are offering an intense Beekeeping and Honey Beginners course... his biggest dream since he was 5!! Just one more little confirmation that he will succeed and Heavenly Father is mindful of what each of us needs and when we need it. Cody will flourish having his love language met, making his social struggles easier to manage, and the resources to interact with other homeschoolers and diverse groups is phenomenal! He won't be lonely that's for sure! He will also be learning Real Estate as he works closely with me and running our business too. He also will be teaching me things I have forgotten, helping Caleb learn things he needs to learn and becoming more balanced than he has been in a long time.I have never felt so stretched and joyous all at the same time. Bless his heart!! This son of God will get exactly what he needs right now - and I am honored that I get to be the one to help him. :) Words do not do the eternal ramifications justice. And how empowering it is to be led to what is right for *our* family and to pursue it.

I know it will not be easy... believe me I do! But I can do hard things.

And I know we will never regret it!