Things I Think

I am finding some very interesting things out about myself this last month. I feel overwhelmed. And it's not like this never happens to me. It does. But not on the level I have felt it of late. I am operating on "autopilot"/"survival mode"... and do not like it!

I am a "joy in the journey" kind of gal. I like enjoying the life I am living. I even sometimes like my trials because they give me purpose and direction. Not this time. This time has been different. Very Very Different!

I am drowning. Literally I feel as though I am out in the rough water, large waves crashing over me, rainbows and glimpses of heaven passing by giving me hope now and again, meanwhile most of those around me who love me are standing on the sidelines cheering me on... often saying in effect "You can do it Heather! We have seen you be SO strong before! We are waiting for you to do it again!"

Meanwhile.. I just need someone to throw me a freakin' life vest.

I have done unemployment before.

I have done financial struggles before.

I have done Jestin being gone, working out of town before, with littler kids!

I have done heart health issues before.

I have done no sleep before.

I have had very close friends hurt me or drop out of my life before.

I have done hard family issues before.

I have done family not understanding, and/or taking offense because I can only do so much.

I haven't done the reality of facing my future as I am having to do right now, but I knew deep down inside someday this day would come. And I need to start trying to figure out where I am going and what I am going to do to provide for our family.

But I realize I have not done them all at once before! I realize that this time I am NOT strong. The faith is there. I know it is. I just can't seem to hold onto it. And I feel like I am failing in the most miserable way.

And it changes minute to minute with no way to control it!

Catty as it may be... one minute I feel strong and loved by God and ready to face it all. The next I am a ball of tears on my bedroom floor praying for a way out. Heavenly Father sends me sweet whisperings and tokens of His love and support, but I have no tangible answers to hang on to. I have felt a complete loss of self, direction and purpose the last month or so. And within hours I feel all alone again.

Not at all to say that I have lost my testimony.
Not at all to say that I doubt God nor His goodness.

I just feel like I am being left alone to figure out some of the hardest things I have ever faced, all at once.

Last night I was talking to my sister Nicole. She was so full of love and inspiration. (I am so thankful for her!)She shared a thought she had heard at a "Time out for Women" in Washington. The speaker talked about David and Goliath. He spoke about how before David ever faced Goliath, he faced lions, and he faced bears. And at the time they were really challenging for him! The "hardest he has ever faced" at that time. But he took what he had learned through those experiences and used them to eventually face his greatest obstacle... Goliath, the Giant. It was a profound thought process. And I really have appreciated her sharing this with me to mull over and apply. I think I have seen some of my lions and bears... could this be part of my Goliath?

Also today I have thought about something else. I recently watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with Emmalee because she finished the book. There is a scene where Harry, a wizard, is in grave danger and to save himself and another he must conjoir a Patronus Charm. It is one the most powerful spells you have to conjoir. He fails, but as imminent destruction looms over him, he sees a Patronus come to his rescue! Out past where he saw it come from he thinks he saw his dad, who had died when he was a baby, conjoiring it. Later in the story, he has gone back in time to save a life, and realizes as he watches the scene of himself where he needs the Patronus, that it was actually HIMSELF that was casting the spell. His comment later, when his companion expresses awe at what he was able to do to save himself and another with that charm was: "I knew I could do it... because I already had!"

This comment has also been swirling in my head.

I HAVE done many of these same trials before. I have. I can. And I know how.

I also spoke with my dear friend, Amy, and she got some other wheels turning. She expressed feelings similar to mine, but for different reasons, but she said something to the effect of : maybe we are enduring these hard things to prepare us for something else.

I have spent a lot more time on my knees. I have been seeking answers, comfort and guidance more than ever before. I have sought for personal revelation and been reading my scriptures and other good literature more than I ever have before. I have been laying my troubles at the Lord's feet, mostly because I just cannot bear them, more than I ever have before.

And when I feel myself loosing hope, feeling alone, or unloved, I turn again to these things. I am being "brought to the table of His power and love" over and over and over again.

Maybe there is no resolution right now for the things that are plaguing my life. Maybe I won't get the answers I seek, the quick fix I so desperately ache for. Maybe it is time for me to just allow myself to be lead back to my Savior and to my Heavenly Father over and over and over again.

 Maybe something is coming... and I need to be in that right place when it does. I need to trust. Even if I don't want to. As I was typing this song came into my head. It has been balm to my soul more times that I can tell...

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;

But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
’Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell—
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
’Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we’ll have this tale to tell—
All is well! All is well!

All IS well. God knows. He knows. H.A.R.D. as this may be for me... all is well. I know it will be. It just HAS to be!!

And I will just keep swimming....