Depresion, birthdays and loosing our home

I have avoided posting. The medical warnings from my doctor and therapist have been fulfilled. I am struggling with a veil depression this whole last week into this one. They told me that post stroke it was highly likely. They told me to be prepared. I thought I was. I wasn't.

My MIL told me that I post too much on my blog and that I needed to not "air dirty laundry" so to speak. And so I have buried myself in silence & solitude, and it is agony. And I have decided that I don't want to withhold the bad... and only post the good.

And so... here is your warning now: This post is depressing, and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. Ok? If it hurts you to read it... then please don't. It is more for me and giving my heart voice... than for anyone.

I am SAD. Really sad. And I think it is OK to be sad! I have lost a lot of my normalcy. After this stupid stroke, it took me over a week to be able to pee on my own again, and almost 3 weeks for my bowels to work. My recovery has been slow, yet fast, miraculous, humbling... and yet the hardest thing I have ever done. And yet, I am still a shell of what I used to be. I am not, at all, ungrateful for the blessings I have been given, or the joys I have felt. I truly am utterly thankful. And that hasn't changed.

But now? I am sad. My mind says that everything will be ok. My mind tells me I *KNOW* things will work out. I just wish my heart felt the same. I am scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

I know it is a chemical imbalance in my mind. I know this is not who I normally am. I am an optimist! I firmly believe that all things work for our good! And usually I embrace all aspects of my life. I find joy in my journey!

I just can't find it inside myself right now. It's like the pathways from my brain to my right side were.... these pathways to feel joy seem lost.

I am praying a lot. I am reading the New Testament... just to "hear" the Saviors voice. I am trying to "put on a happy face" and "fake it". But it hurts. My life hurts right now.

Today is Cammer's 9th birthday. I can't run to the store and buy his gift. I can't even really plan a trip to the grocery store without having to ask someone else to take me (I still can't drive). And even if I could, we don't have a dime to spend on birthday hoop-la. Planning on Jes' extended family coming over, and doing a party for them, and him, makes my eyes shed many tears and my heart break. I can't seem to find the celebration mode of myself. I just want to become invisible and non-existent, like I was to them after my stroke.

And the guilt that I feel for this, for not being able to push past it and do it for Cameron, because I love him more than life itself, it very discouraging! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? He deserves a good birthday. He deserves to be celebrated and coddled today. And I am failing at it. I am not able to be the mom I want to be for him because of this blasted stroke, and this stupid economy, and my rain cloud mood and IT SUCKS!!!!!

We have 10 days until our home is up for auction. The mortgage company has been crocked and evil when it has come to this, and long story short, unless we figure out something quick (which our hands are kind of tied) we will loose our home in 10 days and will have 3 days to get out. And without Jes having a permanent job, we have little leg to stand on anyway, having made our payments or not. On paper we are a mess. We pay our tithing, so it seems to work out, but black and white... is super RED.

It leaves me to wonder... how much more??

How long will we continue on this path of never ending afflictions? I FULLY recognize the great blessings that have come from our trials. We have grown more than we EVER could have otherwise. And I am glad. I just really, REALLY want the opportunity to "rest for a season". And I feel selfish and greedy asking for more miracles.

I want my happy self back. I want to shake off these awful chains of sorrow and despair.

I want my sweet little man to have a great birthday, with a mom he can TELL is happy about it.

And I, funnily enough, REALLY want to keep our home. And for the mortgage company to not "win" another victory over the little guy.

Yet... I know... all I can do is pray for these things... and hope with all the hope I can muster, that MY will matches HIS will.

But if not....

I will not loose faith. I know He has a plan. My testimony is not rooted in "things".

And I trust Him.

I just wish I could find happiness in it. Right now. :(