- My sister made us all new pillowcases for Christmas. We all love them! She specifically selected fabric that each of us would love. Jess' has tigers (I call him Tiger and they are one of his favorite animals); Mine is white flannel with beautiful pink flowers and brown circle designs (love!); Emma's is bright happy colors (like she loves) and has cool designs and butterflies (what she has been drawing in art lately) & dragonflies; Cody's has bees on it (he wants to be a bee keeper); Cameron's is green (his favorite color) and has frogs on it (he has begged to get a real frog for a pet for over a year); Caleb's is blue (his favorite color) and has bugs on it (his favorite passtime). I love gifts that are proof of how much someone loves you! :) They make me smile.
- Caleb LOVES Mythbusters. He and Jes can watch episode after episode. Caleb babbles about experiments and hypothesis' etc. At age 5! He has science in his blood! He makes me smile. :)
- Today for church I put on make up including eyeliner and mascara! I haven't really put on make-up since my stroke. It took a while, and lots of concentration, but wow! I felt so much prettier. I have felt old and sickly looking for weeks. My hair has frosted more than double since my stroke. Salt & Pepper at 34! *ugh* Add sunken eyes with dark circles and pale skin and YIKES! SOOO...I also added mousse to my hair and blow dried it to make my natural curls enhanced, and topped it off with a flower clip my niece Britt made. I felt pretty today... and that made me smile! :)
- We attended a youth fireside at our brand new Stake Center tonight. It was the first meeting in the new building. It is beautiful! And our ward finally, after 4 years and many "borrowed buildings", has a "home" instead of driving past 2-3 churches to get to the one we attend. We get to attend our first block meetings next week... in a building we fit in... at the 11 o'clock time slot! (first time ever since we required so many rooms for classes in the older churches, we could never use the middle time block.) We get to settle into a place of our own. THAT makes me smile! :)
- It was 40 degrees today. The sun was shining. Caleb wanted to know if it was summer now. That made me smile.
- My foot still aches like crazy, and is tender in that one spot still, but I am thinking it may just be sprained as it is better than it was. I could walk today without too much of a limp - as long as I walked on my heel ;) And that made me smile.
- Macey's has boneless skinless chicken breasts (fresh not frozen) on sale this week for $1.28/lb. I see canning in my future... and that makes me smile! :)
- My old self feels like she has returned. I feel like I can handle things again. I feel hope. I feel faith. I feel joy. And finding joy in my journey is what I am all about! and THAT makes me smile! *GRIN*
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The last two days I have been able to walk longer periods of time without a visible limp. I have been secretly giddy about it ~ out of sight out of mind ~ you know! Less questions and "attention" LOL
I rode with Jes yesterday in his truck to run some errands. I was feeling strong and could move without much thought or reminders that my muscles are weak. It was a good day! Then we made our first stop. *sigh*
His truck is higher up and I stepped out without thinking... right onto my right foot. OUCH!
My leg did not want to support me and I almost went all the way down. My foot *really* was hurting and throbbed all night. Before bed I asked Jes to gently massage my foot ~ thinking it would relieve some of the tension/charlie horse feelings. It helped until he squoze middle toe near the pad of my foot. I hit the roof.
Not sure if it is broken or sprained... but DANG! It hurts!
*SIGH* I tell ya! The fun we have! (((insert rolling eyes)))
No more riding in Jes' truck for a while... and now some limping because I am an IDIOT!
Someday I will laugh about all of this right???? LOL
Friday, January 28, 2011
It has been an insane week.
Here is a quick update:
SUNDAY: We went to church. My mental state was not good, and after realizing I could feel myself cracking again, I had Jes bring me home right after Sacrament meeting. Listening to the choir practice my most favorite song about the Savior, and feel *nothing* I knew I was in trouble! When I got home I fully meant to get things ready for Cam's family party/dinner that night, but instead curled up on the couch and slept until the rest of the family got home 2 hours later. Everyone pitched in and we got the house mostly whipped into shape, and the 4 homemade pizzas started. I got Cam's cake made. And then family started arriving. Cam had a great time, and was thrilled with his own decorating skills - he blew up an entire bag of balloons and half a bag of water balloons (hello! I didn't know you could blow them up with air! LOL). The floor was covered! (I will make another post about his party) I struggled to keep a happy face, but somehow was able to hide it for the most part. At one point, when Jes' mom was peppering us with questions about the house and I got a little snarky and said that "this is a party and we are suppose to be smiling!!". Hinting that the subject was ruining the party. It wasn't very kind of me... but I knew I couldn't go there with *everyone* around and Cam's party being made into a downer.
After everyone left, Jes asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. Steel Magnolia's was my choice. I felt emotionless and wanted to see if I really was. Unfortunately it proved my fears. I was. I didn't laugh. And worse... I didn't cry. *ugh* I didn't like how I felt. I went to bed, hoping with all my heart that the next day would be better.
MONDAY: We made lots of phone calls. Lawyers. Our lender. We gathered evidence for a possible litigation against W.F. for what they have done with our loan modification and their dishonesty. All of a sudden, in the middle of the day, Jes smiled really big. He said he hadn't heard my laugh in over 2 weeks and it thrilled him to hear it. The realization was awesome! I had some good feelings and I DID laugh and mean it! LOL. The pathway from what my mind knew I felt, to what my heart felt, seemed to be healing! :) I spent a good portion of the day sleeping. We were invited to Jes' 1st counselors for dinner and FHE that evening and it was so nice to get out of the house and socialize. I still struggled some to smile and laugh, but they were great hosts and I was glad we went.
TUESDAY: We met with our attorney. He was super thorough and evaluated our complete situation. He gave us our options and told us to go home and discuss it. He can save our home from being sold by helping us declare bankruptcy. We were NOT excited about that option. It feels like failure, after we have done EVERYTHING we can to keep it all together, and we don't have THAT much debt! We just haven't had steady income! But... W.F. painted us into a corner. We have no choice. File and save our home from the sheriff's sale, or keep our debts and Jes' business, and have to move three days from today. We came home and started filling out all the paperwork, while discussing our options. Finally, we simply dropped everything and drove to the Temple to do initiatories. We both went seeking answers to our dilemma. It was WONDERFUL. No... We didn't receive direct answers, but we felt filled with courage. We didn't feel like we were told "yes this is the answer", but we also didn't get "no! don't do it" either. We both agreed to move forward - since it seemed the only pathway we have - and if it is wrong, we prayed that Heavenly Father would stop us. We put our faith in Him that He would. We *need* a roof over our kid's heads... more than we need our pride.
WEDNESDAY: We met with our attorney again and signed all the papers. It was all official. We throw in the towel. We will try to re-affirm our home, our cars and the camp trailer if they will let us. We owe more than any of these items are worth, so our attorney imagines that they will work with us. Our gamble is that Jes doesn't have steady income, so that is our next hurdle to conquer. We have to show we can pay for them! Our filing has bought us time... but we still have some major kinks to iron out.
We came home from our meeting, kind of in a daze. It was deflating to give up. We have worked SOO hard to keep everyone paid with little to no income for over 2 years now! We have sweated blood to keep JWD going and our house payment made until they counseled us to not pay it to get approved for a modification! We have done every last stupid item W.F. ever asked us to do, only to have them lie to us and bait and switch. Our mistake was trusting them, and believing them that "the forclosure was just protocol, and they wouldn't really sell it". We felt relieved that we "saved" our home from being taken from us in just days, but we also mourned the force of hand we had taken. It was sad. Just plain sad.
We wished we knew *for sure* we did the right thing.
Just hours after signing everything, Jes' phone rang. It was an employer from Ogden. He talked to Jes as length, and *really* wants to hire him. After discussing the cost of driving (about $400 every 2 weeks just in fuel) and the 2 hours of commute each way every day, the employer said he would get back to us ASAP. He wants Jes. He is going to try and work something out.
It was a HUGE boost to Jes' spirits.
Then, within a half an hour, he received inside information about a job at a local school district as their electrician. They have great benefits and retirement. The pay isn't great, but with fewer bills, we could make it work! He applied immediately. We both felt awed. We got our answer.
We stepped blindly into the dark. We moved forward with something super scary, having only faith in God as our hope. And AFTER it was over, these blessings of hope came. We felt encircled in the love of God. We will be ok. There is still much YUCK to wade through. We still have much to sort out. But we are being led... and we are trusted to make the right choice. And even though the choice was excruciating... and still makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach... we know it will be ok. We will take what we have learned and we will be better for it. We will be blessed for it. He is aware of us and trusts us!
We were invited to Jes' grandparents for dinner that night, and although we were emotionally exhausted, it was nice to sit and visit with them. It was nice to just be loved. And smiling came a little easier. It was a week this day since I went off the steroids.... and each day has gotten a little better.
THURSDAY: Yesterday Jes and Cody had to go to the Dr. They both have strep. Jes has step throat and Cody has scarlet fever. Thank HEAVENS for our new Dr! He got them right in and they have their antibiotics to get them on the up and up ASAP. I had a physical therapy session, and my therapist said I was doing so well he doesn't want to see me for 2 weeks. He said we have regained almost all of the physical pathways, and now we are just rebuilding strength. He said he is so proud of my improvements, even with 2 bouts of strep throat and this depression craziness! It was balm to my soul. The end is in sight. And I may be cleared to drive again really soon! That brought me joy! REALLY! I fely joy! Halleluyah!
Today was suppose to be the day our house was sold out from underneath us.
We are feeling more at peace with our choice today. There has been NO information from our modification officer. He did NOT get our case finished in time like he claimed he would. Just like we were afraid he wouldn't. We really did ALL that we could to save our home... even by "giving up". Today is another whisper that this is the right path for us. Instead of being victims, we have taken back control.
We could still loose our home if they choose not to re-affirm with us after this is all final, but by that point I won't be so close to recovering from a stroke anymore and may have the strength to pack and move a family of 6! There won't be snow on the ground anymore so we can move into our trailer if we need to. And we will have some time now to know we need to find a place to live instead of being told "it will all be ok" only to have our home be sold and be left with 3 days to move out.
We are going to do all that we can to keep our house. This is our home. We love it here. And we are willing to pay them the price we paid for this house - even though it is $70k more than what it is worth! Seems like a no-brainer for the bank to me! (Idiots... ((insert rolling eyes)) )
My good friend Zulie took me to lunch today, and I felt more than I have felt in 3 weeks. My heart and soul pathways are healing really well. I feel more like myself. I can see some hope. I can feel the Spirit again (which was *the hardest* part about all this emotional/steroid stuff!) and I have laughed a lot today. Can there really be an end to this darkness I have been struggling through??
THANKYOU So much for all your thoughts and prayers. It has been so dark around here, and I know that we made it through because of prayers... and not our own! ;) Someday soon I pray the song that keeps popping into my mind is right... "The sun'll come out...TOMORROW!... bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...there'll be sun!" :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
I am finding my way back. I have been in a very dark place... and I dropped my basket in a big big way. I went to the doctor yesterday for another case of strep throat (yea me :P) , and to ask him about my mental state. He really thinks it is steroid related. I took my last one on wednesday. It may take up to a week to get it all out of my system. The hope it brought that it could be the steroids and that I am not really psychotic and depressed brought me great hope.
I just want to be ME again. There is so much stressful stuff going on... that without the hope and faith I normally have... I can not bear it. I just want to be me.
Today was a little bit better. I could smile without faking it. I even laughed once or twice! And I did not have any super angry thought processes. There is improvement. And deep down I find some peace in that.
We are a week away from our sale date. No definitive answers. We are pursuing all we can... and trying to dig deep and have faith in miracles. We believe in miracles... we just don't know if they will apply to our home in this recession, with our unemployment history this time. We want it. Really we do.
The bishop gave us both blessings today. They were comforting. We will be ok. Whatever happens... it will be the Lord's will... and it will be ok.
We have had a couple of friends offer us a place to stay and/or a place to park our trailer. We are loved and wanted... and this life is temporary. Right?
I find it interesting that after I have a period of great emlightenment, it is followed by extreme adversity. *sigh* I wish Satan didn't work so hard. Doesn't he realize he isn't going to win in the end anyway? He will still end up miserable and ALONE...even if some of us choose to follow him? We WONT be together. He is an idiot.
The light is coming back. It will just take time. And lots and lots of chocolate! ;)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAM!! We love you SOO much! You are a very special part of our family!
I have avoided posting. The medical warnings from my doctor and therapist have been fulfilled. I am struggling with a veil depression this whole last week into this one. They told me that post stroke it was highly likely. They told me to be prepared. I thought I was. I wasn't.
My MIL told me that I post too much on my blog and that I needed to not "air dirty laundry" so to speak. And so I have buried myself in silence & solitude, and it is agony. And I have decided that I don't want to withhold the bad... and only post the good.
And so... here is your warning now: This post is depressing, and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. Ok? If it hurts you to read it... then please don't. It is more for me and giving my heart voice... than for anyone.
I am SAD. Really sad. And I think it is OK to be sad! I have lost a lot of my normalcy. After this stupid stroke, it took me over a week to be able to pee on my own again, and almost 3 weeks for my bowels to work. My recovery has been slow, yet fast, miraculous, humbling... and yet the hardest thing I have ever done. And yet, I am still a shell of what I used to be. I am not, at all, ungrateful for the blessings I have been given, or the joys I have felt. I truly am utterly thankful. And that hasn't changed.
But now? I am sad. My mind says that everything will be ok. My mind tells me I *KNOW* things will work out. I just wish my heart felt the same. I am scrapping the bottom of the barrel.
I know it is a chemical imbalance in my mind. I know this is not who I normally am. I am an optimist! I firmly believe that all things work for our good! And usually I embrace all aspects of my life. I find joy in my journey!
I just can't find it inside myself right now. It's like the pathways from my brain to my right side were.... these pathways to feel joy seem lost.
I am praying a lot. I am reading the New Testament... just to "hear" the Saviors voice. I am trying to "put on a happy face" and "fake it". But it hurts. My life hurts right now.
Today is Cammer's 9th birthday. I can't run to the store and buy his gift. I can't even really plan a trip to the grocery store without having to ask someone else to take me (I still can't drive). And even if I could, we don't have a dime to spend on birthday hoop-la. Planning on Jes' extended family coming over, and doing a party for them, and him, makes my eyes shed many tears and my heart break. I can't seem to find the celebration mode of myself. I just want to become invisible and non-existent, like I was to them after my stroke.
And the guilt that I feel for this, for not being able to push past it and do it for Cameron, because I love him more than life itself, it very discouraging! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? He deserves a good birthday. He deserves to be celebrated and coddled today. And I am failing at it. I am not able to be the mom I want to be for him because of this blasted stroke, and this stupid economy, and my rain cloud mood and IT SUCKS!!!!!
We have 10 days until our home is up for auction. The mortgage company has been crocked and evil when it has come to this, and long story short, unless we figure out something quick (which our hands are kind of tied) we will loose our home in 10 days and will have 3 days to get out. And without Jes having a permanent job, we have little leg to stand on anyway, having made our payments or not. On paper we are a mess. We pay our tithing, so it seems to work out, but black and white... is super RED.
It leaves me to wonder... how much more??
How long will we continue on this path of never ending afflictions? I FULLY recognize the great blessings that have come from our trials. We have grown more than we EVER could have otherwise. And I am glad. I just really, REALLY want the opportunity to "rest for a season". And I feel selfish and greedy asking for more miracles.
I want my happy self back. I want to shake off these awful chains of sorrow and despair.
I want my sweet little man to have a great birthday, with a mom he can TELL is happy about it.
And I, funnily enough, REALLY want to keep our home. And for the mortgage company to not "win" another victory over the little guy.
Yet... I know... all I can do is pray for these things... and hope with all the hope I can muster, that MY will matches HIS will.
But if not....
I will not loose faith. I know He has a plan. My testimony is not rooted in "things".
And I trust Him.
I just wish I could find happiness in it. Right now. :(
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I am fighting a healthy dose of the blues.
To combat them... I am makin' me an "Attitude of Gratitude" list.
I am thankful for:
- clean water to drink
- food in my pantry
- My kids
- electricity to cook with
- my infuser warmer thing Jenny gave me for my essential oil scents... they bring me peace.
- my mom
- my sister
- a washer and dryer
- my calendar on my cell phone
- my physical therapist
- my new Doc
- my mind and it's finding new pathways
- my testimony
- my blue chair
- Jes' laptop
- Christmas decor put away
- Sister Moss selling 16 cookbooks for me!
- a phone and a friend that really cares ;)
- Jes' mom helping with my bathrooms and laundry today
- heart meds
- my scriptures - especially the New Testament lately
- my Savior Jesus Christ, whom I am "getting to know" through my reading
- clothes to wear
- my camera to preseve memories
- pickles for my sweetheart to enjoy (*shudder*)
- a warm home when it's 8 degrees outside
- my strength that is slowly returning :)
- a replacement modem, and a warranty to replace it with
- light to see
- bed to sleep in
- a safe place to sleep
- shoes to wear
- socks without holes
- a desire to hope for something better... if not the full faith... the desire to hope! ;)
Fun Date today! Things are getting better here. Officially (knock on wood) I am the only one the wicked bug hit. Jes has not felt great on and off, but seriously I think it is a heavy dose of "the man just does too much!" He is an amazing support: from shuttle-kids-to-school-and-back, laundry-rotator, breakfast-lunch-and-dinner-maker, dish-doer-kitchen-cleaner, to back-rubber, couch-cuddler-while-watching-TV-guy and excellent kisser! Not to mention his calling, his company (he does get some small jobs here and there) and his own health. He is just plain amazing! I think I will marry that man! *grin*
Posted by ~~heather at 9:01 PM
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Fever finally gone this afternoon, and chills/sweats/horrific body aches with it. I am still super weak. But I can swallow more. I ate about 1/4 cup of oatmeal for breakfast and a glass of juice, with the bonus of all my meds. And they stayed down! woo hoo! This afternoon I ate 1/2 a pudding cup, but could not finish it. Emmalou-who just was daughter of the year and made us pizza for dinner, since Dad has a small job and still isn't back yet. She is my hero. I will strive to eat a least a piece.
I weighed myself... I know it likely is not something to celebrate considering the source...but I lost 10 lbs!! :)
What a crazy week. I cannot seem to figure out how it is thursday? I have this nagging feeling there was something I was suppose to do... am I just not sure what it was. I slept/suffered the week away. LOL
This evening I took a shower and washed all the icky sweaty yuckiness of being sick for days away. I feel tons better mentally...just having clean hair and skin. LOL The simple joys in life. Now I am heavily resting and fighting the urge to fall asleep yet again, in hopes of being able to fall asleep tonight with my arms around my sweetheart. I have avoided him for days trying to keep him well. And I can't belive how much I miss him...even just across the bed.
The wonderful part of the whole sickness? I am weak, but I am EQUALLY weak all over. I don't feel the loss of ability to support myself on my right side anymore. Maybe all that sleeping the last few days has healed some brain pathways? I am hopeful. We will see as I strengthen all over. :)
I never posted about my follow-up Dr. appt. on Monday morning. I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home, and got worse from there. My doc is a little concerned about my plateau of improvements. It could indicate more problems on the horizon, it could be all the craziness of pushing through the holidays, or it could just be I hit a plateau and it will take much more work to improve from here on out. Regardless of the reason, after much couseling/talking we decided to put me on another 2 weeks course of steroids to encourage healing. He also counseled as my Speech Therapist did... I have to nap everyday. It is very important to my recovery (yea). Dr. C. also wants me to consider another arrythmia med, as I have had 2 episodes of A-fib in the last 2 weeks (not counting the one I think I had in my sleep), which I have not endured for months and months. I took the prescription, but as I ponder it, I think I will counsel with Dr. H (my cardiologst) before I begin another one. I was uncomfortable with starting the one I am on, and to add another makes me a little nervous. I think I need to go see him anyway now that I have had a stroke. Just to follow up.
Anywho... enough blah blah blah for the history books.
Things are getting better. I am healing. That sucked. And I just hope and pray NO ONE else catches this infection. It kicked my butt that's for sure! LOL
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
never been so sick in my life. high fever (103.5+) for 2 solid days. my body hurts so much i just cry. chills so bad they make me puke. have kept nothing down as my throat feels like there is something stuck in it and it gags me with my own spit. i am so weak. I toss and turn because everything hurts so much there is no comfortable position, or side to lay on that doesn't hurt. pretty sure its strep. my new doctor randomly called to check on me last night and prescribed antibiotics over the phone after asking me about all my symptoms. He is pretty sure its strep as well. he is just awesome! today my fever went down 100.8 for few hours, but spiked back up to 102.7 this evening. starting to have sharp muscle pain and spasms...one of which felt like it was my whole heart cramping in pain! creepy. hope tomorrow is better. finally got some small amounts of liquid in me this evening and finally took my heart meds for the first time in 2 days. Struggling to keep them down, but hopeful. This bites. I am so thirsty. i am ready to get over this and never experience it again. I have has strep before, but NEVER like this. Wowza. worried about how this will effect my stroke recovery. Things are so weak, so painful, hard to move. Sucks. My body is loosing this battle...
If things dont improve by leaps and bounds I think I will be headed to the doctor and/or the hospital for fluids and stronger antibiotics. And if my heart does that again... we are going anyway! ;)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I am thankful today for the ability to attend fast and testimony meeting. A wonderful sister in our ward stood up and talked about sharing what is in your heart. And thanks to her comment, I could not stay in my seat. I *really* didn't want to go up there. I really didn't want make that walk up there and take on those steps with everyone watching. And try to speak without stuttering in front of all those people. Ugh.
(Saturday was a REALLY good day. I had all the stength I needed to clean up my room, do some laundry, shower, shave my legs, and wash/condition my hair, and made dinner without too much struggle. It was AMAZING. Then I woke up this morning with heaviness in my right side, weakness and just generally feeling exhausted. I really didn't feel up to life today...)
But the Spirit would not leave me alone.
Jes was a sweetheart, and walked me up to the front. I am not 100% sure what I said, I was concentrating too hard on making sure I used small words so I wouldn't stumble. LOL So I thought, for my family's sake, I would share my testimony here. :)
I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.
I know that I have a Savior, even Jesus Christ.
I know that I am an eternal being having a mortal experience. This physical body that I have is NOT who I am. My spirit and my body are not the same thing, yet. Someday they will be, but for now they are not.
I am a Child of God.
He is aware of me in all things.
This life I am living is not completely real. This mortal life is not real. We all come from a holier sphere, and THAT is our reality. That is what is real.
Life is short.
Each day needs to be enjoyed like a breath. When you are concencrating on breathing, you can't focus on the last breath you took, and you can't worry about the next breath you take. The only thing you should be aware of the breath you are taking. And ENJOY the gift of that opportunity.
And to love your family... time is precious. And this is the time to prepare to be together forever. I am not doing this for me alone... I am living this life the best that I can for my family.
I want to be with them forever... and I know that I can be.
Each day is a gift and a chance to grow and improve and learn more about who I am and why am here.
And what a blessing and gift that is...