It's been a long week...

I have to say, this time around I have battled some really blue emotions. Normally I feel like I can handle anything and that it will all be ok. This time I am just feeling a little disgruntled. And I wonder if that is ok?

I have a wish list... a secret wish list of hidden emotions and I wonder if I am being covetous with my wish list. I also wonder if I am being ungrateful. Is it a sin to have this wish list? I am trying to make sense of it in my heart and mind. I know it could lead me down a bad path if I let it... but I almost feel untrue to myself if I don't admit to myself that I have felt this way. It is a strange thought process...

This is a small sampling of what I wish:
* I wish I was not "the weak one". I wish I was strong and full of life and energy.
* I wish people didn't have to wonder if I am ok... that I could just be the one caring for them.
* I wish *I* could be the one announcing their victory of a 5k, or even of a good run on a normal day.
* I wish I could hike into the hills and enjoy nature to it's fullest.
* I wish my husband didn't have to give me "that look" when I say I am going to do something that will likely take much of my energy, and know that if my heart and body reacts badly, that I will disappoint him by "over-doing".
* I wish I didn't have to worry about "over-doing" in just doing what everyone else enjoys as normal life!
* I wish others could understand sometimes...instead of saying they do because they are tired from staying up late etc etc (sometimes what I wouldn't give for that to the only reason for me)
* I wish I had a good friend with heart problems that truly does understand sometimes. Other times I think we would wallow possibly and so maybe it is good that I don't. I just feel very alone in it all sometimes.
* I wish deep down that I was not affraid of a heart attack or stroke. I wish, at my age, that it was something I didn't even have to ponder, just like everyone else.
* I wish my sweet 12 yr old daughter did not have to endure panic attacks... that seem to stem directly from my heart episodes. She is just too smart to hide them from... and I always need so much more of her help and have since she was young... I wish she had had a normal childhood with a fun and healthy mom.
* I wish I could say "YES! We are going to Lake Powell" with my sweethearts family every July, instead of always saying no because of the sheer terror I see in Jestin's eyes at the thought of my stupid broken body down in the heat and the likely consequences. Instead I am the reason we cannot enjoy that family tradition with them... and Lake Powell is one of my most favorite places on earth... boating is one of my most favorite activites. It is so unfair. :(
* I wish I could have tried waterskiing back when I was stronger instead of being so affraid. Now I will likely never get to even try. It is a regret I have.
* I wish I could bask in the sun and work hard in the yard and garden, instead of cover up and have to sit on a chair and watch.
* I wish I was not so discouraged by my limitatons and could be more satisfied with what I DO have instead.
* I wish I didn't worry my sweet husband like I do. I understand how he feels, because I feel it with his diabetes, I just wish I wasn't the cause of his stress.
* I wish I could *know* when I was going to have a bad day, and when I will not, so I can PLAN my life. It is so discouraging to not be able to 100% commit to things. I feel like a looser, or a hypocondriact at times when I must admit I cannot do certain things. And I hate admitting "defeat" and I dislike even more constantly "letting people down". That is the hardest for me.
* I wish I didn't have these feelings.
* I wish I felt more grateful and less disappointed.
* I wish I could play hard, work hard and be anything *I* want to be.

These are just a scratch on the surface of the emotions that roll beneath the surface of my heart. I wonder about their effects on me. I wonder if I should just schelch them and ignore them... or if I should give them voice and let them out... or if I am just a big whinner butt who is having a pity party by allowing them into my thoughts... and even worse onto my blog.

Hmmm... We'll see. For now I am giving them voice. Maybe later I will remove this post and find all is well with the world once again and this too shall really pass.