For heaven's sake...

It's time to be realistic.
I have to face it, give it voice, and accept it I think. I have been rebelling, ignoring, fighting and complaining about it... but it has become my reality for some reason, and I need to come to grips with it. I am back on my heart rollercoaster. It is not as severe as before. Really. It's not. I have not been to the hospital in full A-fib. I have more good days than bad. I do. But those bad days are creeping up on me again... and oh man they are not good.

I fainted in Jess' lap on Easter Morning. I fainted after saying bedtime prayers a few days before that. I get numb and tingly in my extremeties from time to time. I feel the old favorite feeling of "treading water" for hours on end and just wish it would stop! And then the fatigue....oh the fatigue!!! It comes and goes. One day I am fabulous! The next I am not. I was g-r-e-a-t a couple of days ago, full of energy and out running errands with the kids... we stopped at the grocery store. On our way out I ran to the car, as it was raining, and by the time I got home I was D.O.N.E. Sadly done.

The emotions I feel about this are so consuming. I went to the Cardiologist about this change a month ago. I posted about it , but in a nutshell he wondered if it wasn't just a virus in my heart, or that then it could be I am headed for an A-fib episode again. I felt better a few days later and figured it was just a virus I was getting over, and I had had none of the terrifying complications(YEA!), and all was well again. I was thrilled.

And yet here we go again. This time I don't have as much pain. THANK HEAVENS. But I am tired. I am so tired. One minute I feel great. The next I dont. No rhyme or reason.

I am so dissapointed inside. I just want to be able to make plans and keep them. I just want to be able to do the things I want/need to do. I dont want to take a nap after my showers, or lay down after climbing the stairs.

And it feels so confusing to feel great one minute and not the next. It is a hard way to live. I try not to murmur. I try to be happy. Jess is worried. I am worried. The cardiologist says we must wait it out. I could have an A-fib episode again. I could. And that really stirs fear in my heart... :(

I have to wrap my mind around this... :

And so to find the joy...
* I have the kids home during the day and we can homeschool anywhere.
* I do have more good days than bad
* I have not gotten hurt when I faint
* My kids are really quite self sufficient
* My bed is soft (lol)
* The sun came out today!
* I have a great partner for Real Estate to help me on my off days (Love you Maria!!)
* My husband is my rock, I would be lost without him
* It's not as bad as it could be
* I dont have to worry about the Primary anymore if it's a bad day (The Lord loves me)
* I can eat sugar again if I wanted to (Lent was hard... but I have found sugar doesn't taste as good anymore! sweet!)
* It's my blog and I can cry if I want to... cry if I want to...
* Tommorow could be a strong day ;) It could be.

And I need to accept this for now...

It came to pass... not to stay!