2 months ago - Today

Today is a strange anniversary.
It has been 2 months to the day since this 34 year old body of mine decided to have a stroke.
The events that have transpired since that Christmas party with some of my favorite people are incredible to wrap my mind around...

There is still some denial deep inside me. I can't believe it really happened!
I mean I know it did... I just can't believe it.

I am in awe as I think about my sweetheart Jestin. He has been on my mind a lot lately. He has been the wall of courage, support and love through this whole experience.
He has hurt, I know.
He has been scared, I know.
He has struggled, I know.
He has felt very alone, I know.
He has worked until he was completely exhausted, I know.
But he put on a happy face and picked up the major slack, and made our family life work. He has cheered me on when I sobbed my heart out at the loss of ability, or the mental pain of recovery. He has picked me up and wiped my tears. He held me when I cried. He gave me showers, got me dressed, did my hair, got me my meds. He did housework while I slept. He drove me to all my appointments and took notes for me. He has attended all the kids school events for me, without me. He has done the laundry, done the dishes, kept the kids doing their school work. He has cooked meals, gone grocery shopping, made cookies and even planned menu's. He has sat on the couch next to me, watching movies when I know his "always gotta be doing someting" was twitching inside himself - just so I wouldn't be alone. He has sacrificed so much on my behalf. I am not worthy of this wonderful man's love and adoration. Jestin W. Dorius is an amazing man of courage and stength.

And he did all of this when he, himself, was suppose to be avoiding stress and taking it easy so his eye could heal from his own surgery just shortly before! No words can do justice to the amount of love and example Jestin has been to me, and to everyone who knows him these last 2 months.

So... here we are. Two months later. I have most all of my ability to move without thinking (except when I am tired, but we aren't counting that! *wink* ) and am working hard everyday to build strength. This part is much slower than I would like. Improvements are tiny, and take days to show. It is so hard to not want it all... right now! Can't I just be me? I wanna drive. I wanna walk to the neighbors. I wanna go window shopping by myself. I wanna do *anything* by myself.

I did meet my goal to attend the temple. Jestin took me 3 weeks ago, right about the time I said my goal was! I was blessed to have a really sweet older sister sit next to me, and by divine inspiration she enquired about me. When I told her I was recovering from a stroke, she immediately tucked me under her wing and made sure I didn't need anything through the whole session. She was heaven-sent! The divine whisperings of love was topped off by a wonderful surprise! My good friend/visiting teacher (ok...she isn't mine anymore since June, but I still count her as mine! *grin*) was at the veil, she is a veil worker! And she got to be the one to help me through the veil! I stammered and studdered and forgot the words I know so well... but what comfort it was to have someone who knows, loves and understands me be there to guide me! Heavenly Father is so merciful! We hugged and cried as she sent me through the veil. It was perfect.

I imagine it is what dying will be like. There will someone you know and love there to guide you. It won't be scary or intimidating... because God will send us someone we love to hold our hand. I just know it!

Ok. But to be true to my life right this minute:

The darkness has been trying to creep in again... like a bad fog rolling in.
I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anyone. Discouragement and doubt seem to be creeping in and smoothering me. I feel so alone, even though I am not. I feel like no one really understands what I am going through, but I know that isn't entirely true either. I feel like I am hanging by this teeny tiny thread of a string... with no ability to tie a knot and hang on. Jes is my anchor. He is my everything.
He talked me through some of my crazy/irrational thought processes last night and then gave me a husband's priesthood blessing. He promptly fell asleep, but I laid there and absorbed the love I know he has for me and his closeness with every fiber of my being.
I am safe with him.
I can be me with him.
And he loves me anyway.
And he knows this is not who I really am.
He knows this is not who I want to be.
He listenes to what I say, and he takes the parts he knows are really who I am, and the rest he just lets fall away.
I thank God for Jes every day.
I do not deserve to be his wife.
I do not deserve to be loved the way he loves me.
I do not deserve him.
And deep inside me, I hurt to think that he does not deserve any of this.

So today... is an "anniversary" of sorts.

Things will get better. I pray pray pray they will get better. Please God... can't it get better? It's just gotta!