President Dorius
This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions and experiences.
Jestin was called as the Elder's Quorum president in our ward in Oct 2008.
He felt completely unworthy of such a calling, and often felt inadequate, but always shared the love in his heart for the men over whom he served and for Jesus Christ whom he represented.
As our lives have become more and more complicated as of late, our Bishop inquired if he "needed" to be released. Jestin's reply was that of "I do not, but if it is God's will".
That was a few weeks ago.
My heart broke to think of them releasing him. And because of the challenges my health has brought.
He is born to serve.
He finds joy in serving.
It is a deep part of who he is.
And then we had to endure what happened this week...
First, I was called in and released as the Emergency Preparedness Specialist,
with the comment that I needed to focus on being a better wife and mother right now.
(ouch?)
with the comment that I needed to focus on being a better wife and mother right now.
(ouch?)
Jes went to his church meetings last week, and there was an "extra" brother in the meetings.
And the other leaders seemed uncomfortable and gave Jes a bit of the "cold shoulder".
He could not figure it out, wondering what was wrong, and maybe if *he* had done something wrong.
After church, an obscure sister approached him and told him she heard that the Elder's Quorum Presidency had been released... and wondered how he felt about it.
He replied that he had not heard that they were being released.
But he hurt inside as he put it all together, realizing that "everyone knew but him"
and that he still had no answers.
Monday, Valentine's Day, he was distraught. He could not find peace. With some encouragement, he finally called the Bishop and met with him, asking for the truth.
Bishop was reluctant to admit it, but yes, Jes was going to be released.
And the "extra" man was his replacement, that they thought he had been extended a release already and that having this new brother at their once a month meeting would be ok.
Someone, somewhere, dropped the ball.
Jes was devastated. His heart was broken.
He felt stupid and humilitated.
He felt like he has been kicked in the teeth, like he didn't deserve to be told the truth, and that he meant very little.
He felt stupid and humilitated.
He felt like he has been kicked in the teeth, like he didn't deserve to be told the truth, and that he meant very little.
He was hurt... to his very core.
And Satan played on it... a lot.
It was one of his darkest days... ever.
In all we have struggled through I have never witnessed that kind of despair in Jestin's heart and soul.
The worst part?
He had an interview/test at BYU the following day for the job we have secretly been hoping for.
He could not focus. He was so distraught.
That evening we were blessed to have our dear friends, the Throckmorton's, come down to talk with us at 9pm on their Valentine's Day.
Hal was our very 1st Home Teacher, he helped in bring us into the gospel when we were first married.
His wife, Suzie, is one of my dearest friends.
Hal and Suzie just let Jes and I talk and talk.
They listened, loved and supported.
We expressed our feelings of being "written off" by our ward family, among so many other feelings.
We expressed our feelings of being "written off" by our ward family, among so many other feelings.
As Jes spoke, I could feel the anger/hurt seep out of him.
It was like pulling venom from his soul.
Hal then gave Jes and Priesthood blessing, offering comfort and peace, and wisdom and knowledge for his test the next day. He also expressed the deep love our Father in Heaven has for Jes, and His gratitude for his service. The hurt and anger was lifted and he found some peace, and some hope.
Hal and Suzie stayed until almost 1 am.
After they left, we went to bed and Jes seemed better. He fell asleep, as I sat up and read for a little bit. Within 15 minutes he sat bolt upright and ran to the bathroom to be violently sick.
I cried.
How much more heartache can we endure?
I cried.
How much more heartache can we endure?
We knew in our hearts that mistakes can be made, and that busy body/untrustworthy people exist in this gospel causing hurt and contention, but the TIMING and the circumstances could NOT have been worse!
Jes did not know how he was ever going to be able to go to BYU the next day... or show his face at church again.
And Satan played on it... as much as he could.
The following morning was bleak at our house.
I had posted on Facebook about "how much hurt untrustworthy people can cause".
(we were alone in this... there was few we could talk to about it as it is sacred information)
I had a few kind responses of love and support, which I desperately needed, without disclosing anything. At one point, when peppered with questions, I simply replied that there wasn't anything anyone could do but to "just remind me that the gospel is true, even though the people sometimes aren't".
I had posted on Facebook about "how much hurt untrustworthy people can cause".
(we were alone in this... there was few we could talk to about it as it is sacred information)
I had a few kind responses of love and support, which I desperately needed, without disclosing anything. At one point, when peppered with questions, I simply replied that there wasn't anything anyone could do but to "just remind me that the gospel is true, even though the people sometimes aren't".
My Bishop called Jes that morning telling him that he was getting concerned phone calls that I was "loosing my testimony" and that I was "speaking ill against my leaders". Wha....??
Ugh. That kind of made things worse in my heart.
Really?
I did not mention my leaders.
I did not mention any names.
Everything I posted was vague.
Am I not important enough to warrant a phone call myself?
AM I so unapproachable?
Do I matter so little as well?
I was really hurt.
Do we have to turn this whole situation into "about Heather" to deflect the bigger problem?
Add that to the fact that my heart aches for the changes in our lives having a stroke has caused, and feeling terribly insecure and like such a burden, that for him to loose this last area in his life he feels like he can at least succeed in, because of me, I have felt devastated.
I hate hate hate having it be because of me!
And I don't want to be the reason for Jestin's pain and heartache.
I don't want to do this anymore!
Satan played on that. Big time.
Needless to say...
those three days we wrestled with Satan like we never have before, in spite of every trial we have endured. Our murmurings were hard to avoid.
These kinds of actions can cause people to turn away from the church.
They can bruise testimonies
and shake faith.
BUT.
I am thankful to say... it feels like we passed "the test".
Jestin put his best foot forward, in spite of the turmoil in his soul, and faced the test/interview at BYU. He prayed HARD for the Lord's help, and learned in a very profound way how much God really loves him, and even in the midst of burdens we feel we cannot bear, He does not leave us alone, if we ask.
We both have prayed hard for each other, and for ourselves, to be able to look past the worldly perspective on this, and all our other current craziness, to see things with eternal eyes.
To feel with the Lord's love and compassion.
Wednesday the Stake President finally called us in to issue Jestin's release. He was so kind, so thoughtful, so lead by the Spirit. He issued Jes a formal apology, not only for them not releasing his Presidency before they called a new one, but for the thoughtless actions by people who have no right/authority to be sharing sacred information and causing such hurt. He worded his apology in such a way that he was extending the sense of sorrow and remorse almost as if from our Savior himself through the keys of the Priesthood he holds.
It was a powerful moment on our lives.
It was an eye opening moment.
It brings to mind, for me, the Savior's atonement.
Jes and I had been trying with all our might and strength to be humble, meek, submissive, and not to be offended. Satan kept stirring up the hurt, playing on our insecurities, and placing thoughts in our minds to fan the flames of anger.
But we were doing ALL THAT WE COULD to make it stop.
And there were times that we were not succeeding. Truly.
And, after 3 excruciating days of this, through His called and set apart servant, He took from us the last little ounce of hurt, anger and pain.
Just like the Atonement.... "after all we can do" He makes up the rest. What an amazing thing!
He expressed that the Savior loves Jes,
and He is proud of Jes for all he has done in his service as Elder's Quorum President.
And you could feel the certainty of these words.
I felt encouraged as the Stake President spoke to me, inquiring about the recovery process, and commenting on how able bodied I appear. He seemed almost surprised to see me walk into his office with barely a limp... I think he must have expected something much worse. That comforted my heart. (dumb as it sounds) Deep down I felt validated in my confusion as to why Jes needs released NOW because of me, verses 2 months ago. I am so much more capable than I was, and it hurt to be the "reason".
The Stake President spoke about his impression that this change is called of God.
He then extended to Jes a profound new calling. He formally called him, as his Stake President, to turn his focus to our little family, to securing the right job to take care of our family, and to "preserving our home".
I got chills and Jes teared up.
He also promised that this "break" will be brief, that we BOTH have much work to still do in God's kingdom. He wanted Jes to know that he felt like this whole situation had a purpose in it's cause.
We left feeling much better... and the burden of hurt removed.
Today Jes was formally released in Priesthood, and the new President called and set apart. Jes expressed how he knew the new presidency was called of God. He received a witness of it and he is completely at peace about it.
He is joyful actually today.
The burden, of sorts, has been lifted.
He seems full of light today.
So... that is why my posting was halted.
I could not speak about any of this until it was over.
And likely it was a blessing I could not, because it is resolved, and now made right.
Great lessons have been had, and embraced.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ IS true.
The people are flawed...
we all are.
That is why we are here in the first place... to make mistakes and learn.
I still struggle with some of my other feelings, but I think they too will heal with time.
I have pushed myself hard this week to take back much of my former responsibilities and duties... and they have helped me to cope.
It has been hard, I have completely over done, but the next day I am a little stronger.
And that is encouraging. :)
SO...
The close of yet another chapter in our life.
And so... what will the next chapter have for us?
Let's turn the page already alright??!
(hee hee...isn't he so cute??)
Ugh. That kind of made things worse in my heart.
Really?
I did not mention my leaders.
I did not mention any names.
Everything I posted was vague.
Am I not important enough to warrant a phone call myself?
AM I so unapproachable?
Do I matter so little as well?
I was really hurt.
Do we have to turn this whole situation into "about Heather" to deflect the bigger problem?
Add that to the fact that my heart aches for the changes in our lives having a stroke has caused, and feeling terribly insecure and like such a burden, that for him to loose this last area in his life he feels like he can at least succeed in, because of me, I have felt devastated.
I hate hate hate having it be because of me!
And I don't want to be the reason for Jestin's pain and heartache.
I don't want to do this anymore!
Satan played on that. Big time.
Needless to say...
those three days we wrestled with Satan like we never have before, in spite of every trial we have endured. Our murmurings were hard to avoid.
These kinds of actions can cause people to turn away from the church.
They can bruise testimonies
and shake faith.
BUT.
I am thankful to say... it feels like we passed "the test".
Jestin put his best foot forward, in spite of the turmoil in his soul, and faced the test/interview at BYU. He prayed HARD for the Lord's help, and learned in a very profound way how much God really loves him, and even in the midst of burdens we feel we cannot bear, He does not leave us alone, if we ask.
We both have prayed hard for each other, and for ourselves, to be able to look past the worldly perspective on this, and all our other current craziness, to see things with eternal eyes.
To feel with the Lord's love and compassion.
Wednesday the Stake President finally called us in to issue Jestin's release. He was so kind, so thoughtful, so lead by the Spirit. He issued Jes a formal apology, not only for them not releasing his Presidency before they called a new one, but for the thoughtless actions by people who have no right/authority to be sharing sacred information and causing such hurt. He worded his apology in such a way that he was extending the sense of sorrow and remorse almost as if from our Savior himself through the keys of the Priesthood he holds.
It was a powerful moment on our lives.
It was an eye opening moment.
It brings to mind, for me, the Savior's atonement.
Jes and I had been trying with all our might and strength to be humble, meek, submissive, and not to be offended. Satan kept stirring up the hurt, playing on our insecurities, and placing thoughts in our minds to fan the flames of anger.
But we were doing ALL THAT WE COULD to make it stop.
And there were times that we were not succeeding. Truly.
And, after 3 excruciating days of this, through His called and set apart servant, He took from us the last little ounce of hurt, anger and pain.
Just like the Atonement.... "after all we can do" He makes up the rest. What an amazing thing!
He expressed that the Savior loves Jes,
and He is proud of Jes for all he has done in his service as Elder's Quorum President.
And you could feel the certainty of these words.
I felt encouraged as the Stake President spoke to me, inquiring about the recovery process, and commenting on how able bodied I appear. He seemed almost surprised to see me walk into his office with barely a limp... I think he must have expected something much worse. That comforted my heart. (dumb as it sounds) Deep down I felt validated in my confusion as to why Jes needs released NOW because of me, verses 2 months ago. I am so much more capable than I was, and it hurt to be the "reason".
The Stake President spoke about his impression that this change is called of God.
He then extended to Jes a profound new calling. He formally called him, as his Stake President, to turn his focus to our little family, to securing the right job to take care of our family, and to "preserving our home".
I got chills and Jes teared up.
He also promised that this "break" will be brief, that we BOTH have much work to still do in God's kingdom. He wanted Jes to know that he felt like this whole situation had a purpose in it's cause.
We left feeling much better... and the burden of hurt removed.
Today Jes was formally released in Priesthood, and the new President called and set apart. Jes expressed how he knew the new presidency was called of God. He received a witness of it and he is completely at peace about it.
He is joyful actually today.
The burden, of sorts, has been lifted.
He seems full of light today.
So... that is why my posting was halted.
I could not speak about any of this until it was over.
And likely it was a blessing I could not, because it is resolved, and now made right.
Great lessons have been had, and embraced.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ IS true.
The people are flawed...
we all are.
That is why we are here in the first place... to make mistakes and learn.
I still struggle with some of my other feelings, but I think they too will heal with time.
I have pushed myself hard this week to take back much of my former responsibilities and duties... and they have helped me to cope.
It has been hard, I have completely over done, but the next day I am a little stronger.
And that is encouraging. :)
SO...
The close of yet another chapter in our life.
And so... what will the next chapter have for us?
(hee hee...isn't he so cute??)
1 comments:
Thank you for sharing. I'm shedding tears for you. All I know is that the Lord must have something great in store for you...your family is definitely being refined by the fire.
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