It is almost 1 am...

and I can't sleep.

I was being mindless for a little while, playing Farmville on Facebook, hoping that would make me sleepy. But instead, after all my "harvesting", oragnizing and "gift giving"... I am still wide awake! Ack!

Jestin is sound asleep, snoring, here next to me on the bed. He has been feeling "off" today. He slept a good portion of yesterday after his surgery, though I did drag him to Emmalee's New Beginnings program for her youth group at church that night. (which BTW Emma sang this beautiful song with 2 other girls as part of it... I am so proud of her! She has an amazing voice! *grin*). Today he has been generally grumpy, and his head, cheek and ear have hurt. I have encouraged ibuprofen, as often as he can take it, and will likely make him call the Eye Dr. if it isn't better tomorrow.

Tonight he pushed forward though, and took me to Ward Temple Night. We were so thankful to be able to attend the Temple. It is such a gift! Our friends, the Vincents, came and got us and we rode together. I am so thankful for good friends too. It's nice to laugh... even when you don't feel like it. Jes' mood was greatly enhanced just by being with friends.

Emmalee is really having a rough go of things lately. She missed almost an entire week of school with her strep throat, and now is paying the price. Her homework pile has kept her busy from the minute she gets home! She has shed a few (ok lots) of tears over it. She hates being behind, and even more she hates deadlines. They freak/stress her out! Add to this some friends going though some tough times, and her personality like her Daddy and Gram of taking on others emotions and pain, and she is a mess. Her ability to have empathy is phenominal, just like theirs, but she is not practiced at deflecting it yet. She and Jes had a long talk about that tonight, and I think she was pleased to know she has traits like the people that she loves, and that she is understood. We keep teasing her she needs to figure out how to *breathe*... that her life is not as stressful as she makes it out to be! (even though I think it probably is... somehow she's gotta find the joy in the journey! oh... wait... I have needed that advice myself lately! bwahahaha... pot calling the kettle  black and all that! :) ugh. )

Cody is Cody. He is quiet and reserved. He has a "girlfriend" at school, they have just been friends for a while, but now they are talking about more "liking" each other type stuff. Wigs me out a little! He blushes a deep shade of red if you even mention her name, or even mention anything remotely close to girl related. Don't talk to him at all about recess, because that is when they walk around the playground and talk, and he can barely stand the embarrassment of it! It's cute... and spooky. My little man is starting the crush phase! ACK! He already could use a shave (HE'S 11!!!) and his voice is deeper than Jes'. He is changing fast... almost by the minute it seems. He is such a good kid though! I appreciate him so much!

Cameron is moving forward with his busy little life. He loves to hang out with his friends, play on his DS (or any other electronic device) and invent things and do magic tricks. He has taken a real enjoyment out of comic books lately, Garfield being a fav. He is excelling at school and LOVES his teacher! (which I do too! I couldn't have asked for a better fit for Cam this year! His teacher is one of the best we have ever had!) He is looking forward to Valentine's Day... but not nearly so much as his little brother!

Caleb is really struggling lately. He has been acting out at school (his teacher told me she didn't find out about the stroke until 3 weeks after, but she could have guessed the date almost if she could use his behavior in class as a guide). He is acting like the class clown, he won't focus, he quit trying to learn to read, and generally has taken multiple steps back. It has been heartbreaking for me... as I feel completely at fault since I am the trigger, but we are working with him to try and get him to talk about how he is feeling and his worries. This last week, he has all of a sudden taken a great interest into something though... hearts! If you could drive by my house, you would see hearts. He is WAY excited about Valentine's Day... and he learned how to make paper hearts by folding a piece of paper in half. My bedroom windows are so covered you can barely see out! We have hearts on all the walls downstairs and almost every single piece of pink paper we own has been folded and cut. (I will try to take pictures to add tomorrow) It is sweet! He took one to his little friend Audrey's house. We teased that he better be careful! Her daddy is military and he might not like a little boy giving his baby girl hearts! Tee hee! He seems to be a little less teary and withdrawn this week. I am trying to capitilize on his interest in V-day... we have been doing things together and "planning" and tomorrow we are going to go see if we can check out some books about it - and encourage some sight words! We also have sugar cookies in the planner... and he cannot wait!

This whole life of ours has been tough to take lately...I know... surprising huh? But I think that is what is keeping me awake tonight. There has been so much for me to work on, to help ME recover, that now, as I can step back and slow down a little and focus outward, I see that there is still MUCH to heal.

We have tried to keep our children close, answer their questions and be open and honest with them (when appropriate of course). They begged to stay at the hospital with me, as they were scared and uncertain. It was a huge balm to cuddle together and be a family over those 2 days. I know that is what they needed. But as I came home and "life" had to keep going... it quickly became obvious that their mom really wasn't ok. And they have had to deal with that. And it isn't always easy.

And now, as I am stronger and more involved everyday, it is an adjustment all over again. They are giving back some of what they took on while I was down, and that is tough at times as well. They don't want me to over do. They worry something will happen to me while they are at school. There have been many fears discussed and faced. Living in the moment lessons are being learned at a young age, that we can't live worrying about what tomorrow can bring because then we ruin our only TODAY. This whole experience has grown us and stretched us as a family beyond anything we ever could have imagined.

Add to it the financial/housing crisis... and well? Talk about pulling together! Emma wants to babysit to make some money for the family. Caleb keeps bringing me his belongings, saying he doesn't need them anymore, couldn't we sell them to help us to not have to move? He also keeps saying we should just sell some rocks! (bwahahahaha) Cody is careful to wear his clothes twice before putting them in the wash, and PJ's he wears more than that (*shudder*). He is a frugal little thing! Cam prays every night for Jes to get the right job... he never forgets!

We have a climb ahead of us. It's a "rocky ridge" of sorts (a Pioneer story) and our "handcart" is heavy laden. But we are SO blessed! We know we have angels pushing from behind. We know as long as we keep holding out faithful that God will not allow us to walk it alone. We will recover from the trials we are given.

And then we will be given new ones.
It's a process this thing called life.
And it's a gift.

Recovery here we come! Ready or NOT! ;)