Waiting for life to start...

My head and emotions/heart have started to connect quite a bit more the last week or so. I don't feel the waves of sorrow in the same magnitude that I was before. I think the fog of depression/mourning from my stroke are lifting... soon to hopefully be blown gently away forever by the winds of a new beginning, the introduction into the next chapter in our lives, and promise of spring.

This morning, as I am home for yet another Sunday with sick kids, I have had an epiphany. It's pretty obvious, actually; but now that I am aware of it... the challenge becomes what to do with it.

I have been "waiting for life to begin again".

We don't go out and do much, mostly because we can't afford it, but also because my mobility has been problematic. There have been whole weeks where we, as a family, have barely left the house because there was no where to go that didn't cost money either when we got there, or in fuel to get there.
School. Home. Church. That is the kids life.
Home. Doctors/Therapists. Grocery store once a week. Church. That is my life.
There have been times I realized I had not even walked outside my own front door for 3-4 days!
Jes does all these places with a few more thrown in for good measure. (I think that has helped him keep somewhat sane).

But our life has been so much more stagnant than normal "winter" life! Agh!

And we have been "waiting to L.I.V.E." outside our home...
Waiting until our income improves.
Waiting for my healing.
Waiting for a job.
Waiting to know if we are moving.
Waiting until spring.
Waiting until the bankruptcy is complete to know what to do.
Waiting until the bank says we can stay to work on our home improvement projects.
Waiting until
A.
B.
C....

And why?

What can I do about all of this??

This is my pondering today.

Some things I know we cannot change...yet. I accept that... but this mental attitude is not the one I want to keep!

We can wait
and we can wait patiently
... but we don't have to emotionally!

We don't have to feel held back in every other aspect of life!

I want to feel engaged in my own life!
I am tired of my big blue chair.
I am tired of my limits.
I am tired of these "four walls" feeling more like a prison.

And I realize I can change these feelings... by finding more things to be joyful about. By finding the deep part of myself that feels grateful for every little thing.

It won't necessarily fix the road blocks we face. But we CAN *live* right now... just by our attitude!

I shared this quote a few days ago on facebook, and it has been penetrating my heart ever since:

‎"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, & creates vision for tomorrow."
~Melody Beattie

A new day tomorrow.
A new start.
But in my heart tonight?
... I am not "waiting" anymore!!