A sad week... and a good week

This last week has been H.A.R.D.

And I will be the first to admit it.

* Jes didn't get the BYU job we wanted so much.
* Cody had 4 merit badges he had to get his "busy work" done for the Powwow yesturday... and he and I being clueless and new at this whole scouting thing (plus my dimished mental abilities and ease of overwhelm)  it has been rough. Rough. He only got 2 - his first 2... but he was hoping for all 4. :( It was stressful and not very fun. I hope it gets better.
* We have decided to sell the shell off the JWD truck to make ends meet. We had to take the letters off anyway because JWD Electric had to "shut doors" due the bankruptcy our mortgage company forced us into to save our family from being kicked out with 3 days notice in the middle of January. (Did ya catch all that?) It still feels raw. A dream is over. Jes' dream. Jes can still be a Master Electrician, but JWD was our dream... our future... our sweat, blood and tears. Heart breaking. Really. I wanted to... but I did not cry.
* Have a dear friend that has decided to be somewhat cruel to me... and I am trying to make sense of it all. I talked to her this week and learned nothing has changed, and that I need to let my hope of a good friendship go so that being hurt doesn't continue... but that hurts too. Letting go is hard. HARD.
* I grow weary of being on edge... in every aspect of our lives.
* Jes applied for over 18 jobs this week alone. Tons of time... lots of repeated info filled out... and neither of us have the heart to get our hopes up... at all... for any of it.
* We found out we may not be able to keep our car or truck or trailer like we had hoped. Struggling to be ok with that. And not stress about what we are going to do... SO frustrated with our mortgage company and their stupid modification tricks! They have demolished our life!
* Had a miscommunication with the kids school, and with Jes, and with Jes' family, and with myself... worked most of them out but it has sucked! A new stroke development that has my emotions on virtual overload? I cannot remember things. My short term memory is shot. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's frustrating. And I feel stupid. And NO it is not normal "mom brain" forgetfulness... I wish it were that minor. I am struggling. Yea for my physical improvements... boo for the loss of my mind. Anyone seen my marbles??
And then...
* The huge earthquake in Japan... and subsequent tsunami... and we have no TV access... so the news is choppy and broken up online... we feel so out of touch! And it brings the fear of just how unprepared we are due to the last year and half we have been surviving through. Clothes, food, shelter. That has been our only focus for 18+ months... so the thought of something like that happening here? With so little resources? Terrifies me.

I know these are all grumpy and unhappy... but to be true that is how today has gone for me. I went to Sacrament meeting... and during the meeting that usually fills me up and gives me courage to face the week ahead: I finally started to feel all the emotions of the week... and spent a good portion of the meeting in the bathroom crying my eyes out. *sigh* Jes needed a shot so he came home after the meeting and I came with him. Once I got here I just wanted to be alone to cry for a while so I stayed. Jes gave me a blessing before he left. It helped soothe my tears, but as I have thought about it tonight the memory of what he said is completely gone. I have no comfort left from it because I do not remember what he said.

It's like I am swimming through pea soup in my mind! I cannot even find the "oh! duh! I remember"s anymore. They are completely gone. It scares me a bit. I have been using my phone to remind me of things and sticky notes, and trying trying trying to do my mind exercises... but it is mentally exhausting and I get so fatigued! IT IS LAME. ok? Lame I say. Anyway... More brain exercises in the morning... I have GOT to get my memory back!

On the flip side of the coin?

* I "graduated" from physical therapy... no more visits are needed. I am mostly healed - or as healed as his exercises and therapy can get me.  The rest from here on out is all me, pushing the envelope, staying focused on my goals and resting when I need to.
* I can drive again!!! WAHOO!!! = Freedom!!!
* I went to Walmart with Emma, and then home to put it all away and back out again to Macey's for groceries - driving both ways and getting it all done! And I only had a mild limp and weakness in my leg when I was done! That is HUGE!
* Cody got his first two meritbadges!!
* Jes got a check from a small job and so we could get "the needs" from Walmart... that too is huge.
* We got to play games with friends two different nights this week! Lucky AND fun!
* I have made dinner, a planned dinner, every night this week for my little family. The first full week in 3 months. And I kept up all the dishes and Jes only got to do 2 loads! *grin*
* It has been warm and sunny this week! We have enjoyed sitting on our front porch basking.
* Jes had 3 small jobs this week.
* Someone left an envelope on our front door... and it made such a huge difference!
* Another friend came over just to visit and share her struggles with me... it was amazing to be needed and wanted.
* And another friend tried very hard to schedule a quick trip for comfort food... and just knowing she loves me is priceless.
* I cleaned the fridge out... of course I forgot I had made myself breakfast... and so when I was finally done and found my cereal & juice still sitting on the counter... it was lunch time. (der!)

Life has really been hard. But then, we also have been so incredibly blessed! I feel torn between my emotions and this up and down rollercoaster is gettin' a little old. Is that too whiney of me?

Anyway... this next week is going to be better! I don't know HOW... I just know it is going to be better. (I hope.) It HAS to! :{