Hello all....

Hello there my family and friends (and new visitors :) ). What a crazy few weeks it has been! Since finding out I am an excellent candidate for the Mini-Maze, the support and love have been overwhelming! I have been deeply afraid of the debt this would cause our family and of the burden it would lay at Jess' feet... and so, in truth, I have been trying to talk myself out of my heart condition. (LOL! It hasn't worked out so well...dang it.) It has been humbling to feel Heavenly Father's hand in this. My strength seems to have been diminished for the last week or so... and I am taking His gentle chastisement with a softened heart. I cannot "sweep this under the rug" and pretend all is well. (but oh! how I wish I could!) I am being reminded that this is the right course of action and an answer to our prayers. This could be a phenomenal improvement in the quality of life I have had in the last 6 months. Although I have not gone into full blown A-fib since early December... my heart has been fluttering often. I feel as though I am treading water on the bad days (out of breath, shaking weak limbs... like if I could only get to the side of the pool I would be ok... ya know?) and some days I feel normal and functional. I have found if I want a full shower...with a leg shave and a hair shampoo... that that will be the event of the day... and I will be wiped out. *sigh* I mean not to complain... it could SO be so much worse. These are just the realities I am finding... and in turn asking myself if this is something I want to struggle with for the rest of my life? I just find it interesting that as I try to justify that this can wait (or is not *that* necessary) ... I am quickly reminded that it is time.

Sunday was very hard for me. It was also very sacred to me. It was hard to hear our Bishop explain my need. It was hard to swallow that I would not be able to be the one on the giving end this time. It was hard to hear it said out loud, and that public, and that I am having a scary surgery that makes me shake like a leaf whenever I allow myself to really think about it. It made it *REAL*. And it made my testimony of this gospel and of the love that God has for each of us INDIVIDUALLY to burn ever brightly. He has heard my deepest fears... and HE is offering solutions... overwhelming and abundant solutions. When the going gets tough... well... the tough are not going anywhere! We have been surrounded by offers for help here at home, in the future after surgery and with fundraising ideas. We knew we loved many people... I guess we just have never considered it the other way around before. And the hugs and espressions of concern and love are something that have given me much courage and strength! It is amazing.

When I heard that the sweet young women in our ward are offering babysitting coupons to earn money toward my surgery my tears would not stop flowing. I still cry as I think about it. I remember being that age! I remember how precious your "friend" time was. I remember homework that took hours. What a selfless act for girls so young! I still choke up when I picture sweet Henry, my little Cody's best friend, crying through the Sacrament as he realized what he has witnessed at my house and yet not understood, and then spending the remainder of the meeting making a poster asking for donations to help. So precious to me!

I can never fully express the gratitude in my soul. I can never fully express the love I feel. I can never fully express the emotions I am having. To each and every one of you.... I offer my deepest thank you. I can feel your prayers and thoughts. I hope each of you know that. I know that though it is hard to be on the receiving end... it strengthens my resolve that I must get better! I have much left to give... and with this experience... I have MUCH I would like to pay forward!

I will try to keep this up to date as I can... :D Have a wonderful evening!