Some heart troubles...and an epiphany!

It has been a rough few days. My heart has not been very kind to me. Long story short it has hurt, a lot, and the same way it did the weeks post surgery, and it has for over a week now. Yesterday morning I had a hard flip flop sensation in my heart (haven't had but small flutters in my heart since surgery & my new heart meds!), and since then the pain is stronger and I feel like I am treading on water once again... "if only I could get to the side of the pool and rest" kind of feeling. It has really bummed me out and my desire to talk about it is near nil... but here is a brief post anyway. :/

I called the cardiologist after it happened and they got me an appointment today! (the next day! holy cow that NEVER happens!!) He didn't even listen to my heart though, only felt my pulse and listened to my symptoms. He said he thinks either
1. I have a virus in my heart, a respiratory cold or flu virus, and that I should avoid people with colds or flu's with my heart history. I laughed. Umm... huh. I have 4 children, I serve in the Primary and I work with the public. And then of course there is the grocery store and Walmart & family parties... and well... umm...yeah. Fat chance of too much avoidance. (just ask my sweet neighbor who locked herself into her home for the winter with her newborn to avoid RSV...only to have the baby get... RSV! :( it's Murphey's Law remember?) Besides I have asthmatics at my house that catch and bring everything home! *sigh* Anyway. Enough sarcasm. After researching viruses like that in your heart...well just pretend it was not mentioned ok? It is not a happy trail to traverse. :P

2. And after telling him I feel like I did the weeks before each of my major a-fib episodes, the other option was... well ... it will turn into A-fib. And we have to just wait it out. And discuss further surgery options then. :O

Now... all sarcasm aside... this one just plain got me a little angry. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum!! I dont want to go backwards!!! I dont want to wait and worry that THIS may or may not be the night I wake up in A-fib and have to have an ambulance ride from hell again. ('xcuse my french) It was one of the worst experiences of my life being in A-fib! And the thought of it being possible again really gets my emotions rollercoastering!!

Now... for the calmer side to this post... the epiphany.

After coming home from the Cardiologists feeling a bit discouraged, and then after looking up what heart virus combos do, I was very down. I was scared. I was heartbroken. And since we had stopped at Walmart after my appt (Walmart and heart conditions are not compatible at all!), my heart hurt more than ever and felt completely wasted!

Jess called a dear friend in the ward, who is brilliant when it comes to medical as well as homeopathic (?) stuff, who is an RN to ask a couple of questions to. This wonderful friend rushed right over. We all sat down together & discussed the complexity of Heather. When our friend learned of all the other things going on with me, even more questions came up. Finally at one point, after we had said that I take Zyrtec 2xs daily for hives with no reason (allergist said it was autoimmune since he had no answer); and I have really low blood pressure so I am on a high sodium diet; and am allergic to injectable iodine; the friend pieced together a HUGE part of the puzzle of Heather's pysical body! Salt has iodine in it. I am using a lot of it! Any bets my unexplained hives and itchiness may have something to do with the salt I bathe my food in to keep my blood pressure up?? It was SUCH a light bulb moment. WHAT A BLESSING!!! No one had tried to piece ALL the crazy things my body does together before. We are going to try taking me off all iodized salt and see if I can slowly reduce my zyrtec intake. It brings me to tears just to think of it!! One less med would be FABULOUS!!!! And no hives would be a complete miracle! (not to mention my quality of life would be greatly improved!)

I also received a Priesthood Blessing tonight that was both powerful and enlightening. I have a peace I didn't have before. I still feel slightly jipped that my heart seems to be reverting so soon... but I have a hope I didn't have before. I have an expression of love and understanding I didn't have before... and I know that God loves me and knows the intents of my heart (like I had "forgotten" yet again.) I am so thankful for the atonement and the chance to have my heart softened and repented of my complacency.

Hearts "get hard" WAY too quickly I believe. You dont even have to try! It is sad. But there is always hope. And I need HOPE. :)


p.s. - Sorry ladies that came to do bottling of chicken yesterday if I seemed a bit off. I was mad that my heart hurt and was fatigued, so I was rebelling and doing what I wanted to do anyway, and I am affraid I may have come off as onry or annoid. I really was glad to have you over to learn! It was SO MUCH FUN!! please forgive me for not just telling you about this... and for being such great friends and cleaning my house when we were done!

p.p.s. - if any others of you want to learn how to bottle chicken... LMK... it is the easiest and yummiest canning experience ever! We made the best chicken salad is less than 5 minutes! *giggle* (now this topic brings me great joy... tee hee hee... I could go on forever! Ahh... I love my pressure cooker!)